hey blog,

the pain is jus so familiar.. the same amount... the same feel..
i am hurt all over again.. now..

looks like people are moving on..
but its ok..
someday, i'll too, move on..

who will catch me when i fall?
looks like no end to the pit..

u are not a friend... friends dun hurt each other.. (i'm not saying literally)

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hey blog, jus sent the sms.. =)
i hope things will turn out fine...
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let me reach my goal.. soon..
i hope..

i'm capable of achieving my target..

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hate is such a strong word.. more like dislike..
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the hardest part is.. getting thru on my own..
i have to grab myself by the arm and push myself forward.. and nvr look back..

i still see the things u do... and its pushing me away from u..

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hey blog,
recently my work in sch has been developing...
i hope to go home early today..

then i can sit in front of the laptop and watch a movie..
and eat junk and grow fat...

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it hurts.. but its for my own good..
if it is meant to be, it will..
however, at this rate, i dun think it will..
i'm hurt inside.. and afraid to get hurt..
it's impossible to give love...

there was a time in the r/s where it was hard to give 100%..
cos in the end, u might get hurt badly...
but when i learnt to trust to love again...
the love was stabbed in the back again and died...
but this time, it was expected to come..
cos i noe someday, i'll recieve my once in awhile dose of deep-stricken hurt..

nvr have i been truely happy... actually... no, there was a period where i was happy..
but it died.. cos i was stabbed in the back..
but it lasted for quite awhile..
i was truely happy and want it to last..
it was like.. a perfect relationship.. and i enjoyed ever minute of it..

its me.. me me me.. i am hurt...
and its always I..
its cos the person who hurt me is him...
and when i'm hurt, my actions hurt him...
like now..
but who started it in the first place..
i din ask for this.. who wld ask to be hurt?

if he wanna solve it, repair the mistakes tt he is doing..
but no.. my feelings dun matter...

when he asked the qn.. one thing's for sure, i'll get hurt again..
the problems i had was not solved.. it so simple.. yet... he chooses his path with his own selfish wellbeing in mind..

tt's all for today..
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hey blog,
there's this guy who actually told me his feelings previously.. but i rejected..

and ytd.. he asked whether i wld consider him..

i am not in the right state of wellbeing, to answer him..
i was thinking of my preferences... i was thinking of looks...
i dun like him...

but the more i think abt it.. he promises a loving r/s, i'd be taken care of..
he noes how to cook... he's proficient in first aid.. he funny at times..
it wldn't be bad, wld it?

but comparing the two, looks, and character..
i'm still contemplating..

i still have yet to answer him...
soon.. when i see him online..

ok ciao..

Hey peeps,
things have been rough lately..
what i did was to see who i was going to be with in the future..
i guess people do not change at all..

smoke?
drink?
look at girls?
touch girls?
all still there..

and the vulgarities stopped only when close friends gave the cold shoulder treatment.
so who listens to me?
what have i been asking all these while?
what is it that u say, that i always have not enough of? i want more.. more what?
that i tell to change and change and change but still not satisfied?
open your eyes, and look.. what have changed?
if u can see.. the points up there... u tell me.. what have changed..

i am always right.. so ok..

u are right thn.. it is right to see others frm top to toe and say... as long as i am with u still..

it is right to go very close, and say its jus friends....

well, i say its too close for comfort
evidence 1: the other time we met cristabelle's ex bf - " wah, i see your facebook, damn happening.." (and that will always stay in my mind)
evidence 2: random fren 1 : "wah.. tt's very close"
evidence 3: V.v and yuva: "sure they have an open mindset.. but the people don't throw themselves at each other"
evidence 4: random fren 2: "aisha, just forget about it"
evidence 5: random fren 3: "who is that girl?"
evidence 6: friends cheering you on..
evidence 7: me: i feel hurt like shit even if it was frens..
so is it alright then?

u have all the right to smoke..
u have all the right to drink and get drunk...
u have all the right to use excessive vulgarities to ur friends up until recently.. so why change? idiot..

so in the end, u are right.. i am wrong..
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ok.. that is the last entry... no more already..

Dear blog,
Its been a long time since i've blogged...

Life lesson #1: Not everybody is nice

The previous fight i got in with the ICTE, was not my fault..
someone was really overly sensitive about it..
and i feel.. the person i told to, think that i am in the wrong..

i followed her advice and bit my tongue and apologised... and in doing so, the action confirmed that i am in the wrong..
jus because he is older than me.. tt's the reason why i did so..

i feel wronged.. but i jus forgot about it..
it was ok to lose face.. from their prespective.. because i am the younger one..

but it also made me look bad..
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thinking back.. and thinking how others view me in that perspective that lasted till now, i feel like shit...

i was not in the wrong..
he was the one who started being over sensitive first..
and telling people different stories...

i forgive him.. cos now, my heart ain't angry at him for telling people different versions..
but thinking about it now, he could have told everyone.. but at least keep to the same version la... same reason for the arguement.. not change versions..

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i was not the one who started it..
and people dun see that...

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i was not the one who ignored...
i was not the one who gave ppl different versions of the story to cover my backside..

hey, its been a long time since i've post sth up... been on hiatus for weeks now...

i wanna like share my sorrows.. today 24 Nov.. ppl have left me... if there is another.. it's not meant to be then.. i must look up and think forward..

i need to do this.. and see how this goes..
in the end, i've never really been there yet..

but things will change soon.. i guess...

there was nvr a time when they are alone...
when we leave, there is always another to replace..

but i have to do this.. to see how things are, really...

its been a hell of a roller coaster ride.. i too should observe...
and if it is time to move on, i will....

dear blog, its been a long time since i've blogged.. blogging and reflecting makes me sad.. i learn to keep things to myself and not rely on friends...

the heartbreak is coming... but i jus have to tell myself... if i dun stop this now, this will continue forever...
so fast someone move on...

listening to beyonce song, listen... by this korean guy...

"LISTEN.. i am alone at the crossroad... i am not home in my own home....
you should have known..."

i hope to enjoy myself tmr...
finally, a male fren to call a fren..

its heartbreaking to see the words....
the worst to read...
but thn.... its not wrong.... we are singles...

i need a cushion to punch my anger and sadness...
guys are assholes...

i think its time to jus forget the past...

one day, i'll jus pack all the stuff.. and jus throw it all away..

dear blog, i'm sad.. and i hope i can get thru this... if he found another girl, then he's a big fat liar.. but if he found another girl, i must be happy to know that he is not meant for me...

men are that way.. they will repeat the same thing to another girl...

to start off, i think i went with the wrong person in the first place...
i wasted alot of things... but what can i do now? things that i really cared for...

i guess, its time to up myself... jus hope things will be better from now on..
how to cope with the pain? to remind myself of all the bad things that i can't let go of..
the trash that i have been accumulating..

or maybe.. to tell a fren.. or cry...

things have changed so much from previously...
i think my heart is more numbed to jus let go..

ok.. time to do my essay.. ciao..